Random Thoughts about life and such.

I wanted to start this blog to get out any thoughts that might be creeping in my mind. I’m not the best at voicing my thoughts. For me it’s like, Who really cares? I’m not that interesting. I’ll just come off at whiny. So I try not to write when my emotions are high only because my mind is in a selfish state and I’ll only think about my point of view rather than try to see other points of view. 

Now, what do I want my Blogs theme to be? I’m no relationship guru, in fact I have very little experience in the field. They say you should write what you know, I know retail. I’ve worked in retail for 5 years. Coming from never working as a teen and not understanding how things worked, it was a real shocker to see how cruel some people can be to people in customer service. 

So that’s one thing I know for sure. Retail. 

What else is interesting about my life. I play video games. I read books. I draw. I love music. My favorite shows are House, Game of Thrones, Doctor Who. 

At the end of the day, I’m anti-social and a hermit. I want to have a social life, I want to see friends more, I want to have more adventures and live a more fulfilling life. My problem is that I’m scared. I’m awkward in social situations, I hate taking risks, I tell myself I can’t afford to travel, I tell myself anything to keep me from living. 

I have a lot of dreams and aspirations. I want to move to a bigger city, preferably Toronto, near were my best friend lives. I want to be an art student. I want to be completely independent. I want to make more friends. I want to know how to talk to guys. I want a life worth talking about. 

I just have no idea were I should start. I procrastinate and I talk myself down from things that scare me. I’m afraid of moving someplace where I’ll be completely alone and have to figure things out on my own. 

Life Scares Me, yet it’s the one thing I desire most. 

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I’m just trying to live.

Being Single for the first time in 4 Years. 

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I honestly wasn’t sure if I could handle it. I was with my Ex for 4 years and it was a really rocky relationship. Then after a dramatic break up I found myself single again. I felt so lost when it happen because I didn’t know how to be single anymore. Sharing my bed alone, moving back to my Moms, trying to get myself back onto my feet. It was really hard because I was just coming out of a depression and I was so lonely. But now a year and a half later since the break up I am a completely different person. 

Getting to the point I’m at now wasn’t easy and I wouldn’t want to go through those hardships again. I have grown up so much since becoming single. I no longer rely on someone to do things for me or to make me happy. I love having my queen sized bed to myself. I can decorate my place how I want it without anyone telling me they didn’t like something.

When it comes to meeting new guys, thats something I need to work on. I never dated as a teen and my Ex was the only relationship I could deem as “Real”. So meeting new guys was all new too me. I find that, though I am mature in a lot of ways, the art of dating is still new to me and I come off as a shy high schooler than a woman who knows what she’s doing. I have met a couple guys since my ex and a friend confessed his love for me but none of those worked out.

Bachelor 1 I am still crazy for but he isn’t the relationship type and was too scared to hurt me, so he had to push me away. We still talk, all the time. In the end, I know that nothing will ever really happen with him but I like to keep him close because he’s one of the few people I can talk to about books and joke with. I think it’s the same for him. Sometimes he’ll just randomly message me, always teasing me but then we end up talking for hours until one of us says ‘Good Night’. It just messes with me sometimes because when I think we can just be friends and chat about random things, he seems to avoid me. I don’t know what to think of it all. I figure, if there is anything there, if it’s meant to be, it’ll happen. If not I’d be happy just to have him as a friend. 

Bachelor 2 was a guy I met at my old job. He was older and gorgeous. I was completely infatuated with the idea of him and he literally made me feel like a little girl with a crush. In the end it was just a physical thing and I haven’t seen him in over 3 months. He wasn’t the guy I convinced myself he was. I gave him my number after I moved to keep in contact and I haven’t heard from him again. It’s probably for the best though. 

My friend, he is a good guy and I could tell he would have done anything to make me happy. When he found out I wanted to move to Ontario, he begged me to run away with him. But it just wouldn’t have worked. He has his weird side that even I couldn’t accept. Weird as in, let’s just say he looks better in a dress than I ever will. I just don’t think it would have been fair for us to be together because he would never be able to make me truely happy and that ultimately wouldn’t be fair to him. He ended up deleting me off Facebook and I haven’t heard from him since. 

 

After these experiences I know what I want in a guy, he’s just going to be a little hard to find. Besides, they do say when you stop looking for Mr. Perfect he manages to find his way to you. For now, I’m just focusing on me. Working on making myself a better person and finding out what I could do to make my life matter. I was scared to be single for so long, but now it’s nothing. It’s kind of comforting just being able to concentrate on myself for once and finding out what I like in life. Not what “We” like. It’s liberating.