I’m just trying to live.

Being Single for the first time in 4 Years. 

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I honestly wasn’t sure if I could handle it. I was with my Ex for 4 years and it was a really rocky relationship. Then after a dramatic break up I found myself single again. I felt so lost when it happen because I didn’t know how to be single anymore. Sharing my bed alone, moving back to my Moms, trying to get myself back onto my feet. It was really hard because I was just coming out of a depression and I was so lonely. But now a year and a half later since the break up I am a completely different person. 

Getting to the point I’m at now wasn’t easy and I wouldn’t want to go through those hardships again. I have grown up so much since becoming single. I no longer rely on someone to do things for me or to make me happy. I love having my queen sized bed to myself. I can decorate my place how I want it without anyone telling me they didn’t like something.

When it comes to meeting new guys, thats something I need to work on. I never dated as a teen and my Ex was the only relationship I could deem as “Real”. So meeting new guys was all new too me. I find that, though I am mature in a lot of ways, the art of dating is still new to me and I come off as a shy high schooler than a woman who knows what she’s doing. I have met a couple guys since my ex and a friend confessed his love for me but none of those worked out.

Bachelor 1 I am still crazy for but he isn’t the relationship type and was too scared to hurt me, so he had to push me away. We still talk, all the time. In the end, I know that nothing will ever really happen with him but I like to keep him close because he’s one of the few people I can talk to about books and joke with. I think it’s the same for him. Sometimes he’ll just randomly message me, always teasing me but then we end up talking for hours until one of us says ‘Good Night’. It just messes with me sometimes because when I think we can just be friends and chat about random things, he seems to avoid me. I don’t know what to think of it all. I figure, if there is anything there, if it’s meant to be, it’ll happen. If not I’d be happy just to have him as a friend. 

Bachelor 2 was a guy I met at my old job. He was older and gorgeous. I was completely infatuated with the idea of him and he literally made me feel like a little girl with a crush. In the end it was just a physical thing and I haven’t seen him in over 3 months. He wasn’t the guy I convinced myself he was. I gave him my number after I moved to keep in contact and I haven’t heard from him again. It’s probably for the best though. 

My friend, he is a good guy and I could tell he would have done anything to make me happy. When he found out I wanted to move to Ontario, he begged me to run away with him. But it just wouldn’t have worked. He has his weird side that even I couldn’t accept. Weird as in, let’s just say he looks better in a dress than I ever will. I just don’t think it would have been fair for us to be together because he would never be able to make me truely happy and that ultimately wouldn’t be fair to him. He ended up deleting me off Facebook and I haven’t heard from him since. 

 

After these experiences I know what I want in a guy, he’s just going to be a little hard to find. Besides, they do say when you stop looking for Mr. Perfect he manages to find his way to you. For now, I’m just focusing on me. Working on making myself a better person and finding out what I could do to make my life matter. I was scared to be single for so long, but now it’s nothing. It’s kind of comforting just being able to concentrate on myself for once and finding out what I like in life. Not what “We” like. It’s liberating. 

Facebook Addiction

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Facebook. Almost everyone has one, even Grandparents it seems. You can’t escape it, everywhere you go there are “Like Our Facebook Page” signs posted almost everywhere. It’s the only way to communicate these days. It has it’s pros and cons like everything in life. The one thing that is causing a lot of problems though seems to be ‘Facebook Addiction’.

The past few weeks it has been bothering me none stop. I hate this website. I hate everything it represents. I hate that its always the same thing, everyday. I hate that when I’m out in the real world, I ache to look at this thing. That if I can’t log on I feel as if I’m missing something. Something big must be happening. Someone must be trying to message me. Did I get a notification? Why hasn’t anyone liked my status? That was hilarious. Does he have a Girlfriend? Who is she?  She saw my message why hasn’t she replied? Is she mad at me? They’re back together? Did he delete me?

It’s sickening how I could just sit there staring at this little screen in my hands constantly scrolling. Letting reality pass me by over this virtual world. I don’t talk to most of the people on my friends list, maybe less than 50 are even relevant in my life. Yet I feel like somehow, because I don’t have 600 friends like the next person, I am irrelevant. It’s pathetic really. I hate that it has take so much time out of my life trying to convince others I have a great life when my life consists of constant scrolling and not interacting with those around me. If I misplace my phone its like a part of me is missing and my social life is over.

Sure i have a phone line, but who likes getting phone calls these day? The only people who even have my phone number are my Mom, Grandma and Work. That’s it.

I already had terrible social skills as a teen, but with this world full of new technologies and Facebook, I’m even more useless in a social setting. I have a really hard time connecting with people face to face. I trip over my words and never really say what I meant to say. I have to get really comfortable around people before I can comfortably talk to anyone. I honestly blame Facebook for this, it affects many people.

I envy those who don’t fall into Facebooks spell, I wish I had their restraint. I wish I could casually use Facebook without it consuming me for hours on end.

Last night I had enough, I just looked at my Newsfeed and thought. Everything. Everyday. Everyone. It’s all the same. It doesn’t change. It doesn’t define me. Those who are truly there for me will go out of their way to be in my life. The rest of these people, they mean nothing. They could careless if I’m not on Facebook. They don’t care that I’m excited about Doctor Who. They don’t care if I’m playing Silent Hill. They don’t care who I’m with and where I’m eating. What book I just finished reading and how amazing the ending was.

Facebook is a world were, if your not a beautiful heart breaker, No Body Cares.

Plain and simple. No. One. Cares!

So I messaged those who I actually cared to stay in contact with that I was deactivating my account and to text me if they wanted to get a hold of me. I clicked the button saying “Deactivate” and watched as “My World” went Bye Bye.

Part of me felt like, “Oh you’ll be back, just log back in now and tell everyone you couldn’t do it.” And sure, I will probably be back. For whatever reason, I get sucked back in, maybe an hour from now or even a year, part of me knows… I’ll be back. But as of now, in my rational mind. I am done with it.

I am breaking free and attempting to find friends the old fashioned way. To talk to people in person. To learn to live life to the fullest and not behind a screen.

So I’m starting this blog, I don’t expect much if any traffic through here. I don’t expect anyone to care. In this end, here I am.

Ready to Live 😉

-K